Of Farms, Underwear, Flatulence, and Manure

As the House and Senate struggle to negotiate terms of a new $1 trillion “farm” bill that would subsidize an array of commodities as well as regulate food stamps (I guess the tie is that 'agriculture' and 'food' both occupy a similar orbit?), there are a plethora of agricultural giveaways contained therein: crop insurance, price supports, and conservation payments.

But there are also some surprises buried within the Senate and House legislation (1,163 pages and 608 pages, respectively) that bring new meaning to the term “special interest.”

>Underpants. Both bills provide for “Economic Adjustment Assistance” (a Wedgie Waiver?) that would pay domestic manufacturers of cotton products $66 for each ton they use of “upland cotton”—the most common type of the fiber grown in the United States. (Nearly 8 billion pounds of upland cotton were harvested last year.) Past recipients have included global underwear purveyor Fruit of the Loom and other clothiers for turning that upland cotton into bottomland undies.

>Cow flatulence. “Conservation Innovation Grants” are proposed in both versions of the legislation to stimulate the development and adoption of conservation approaches and technologies. Makes sense, however (and I am not making this up), the grants have included $1,055,996 (yes, that’s MILLION) to the Unison Resource Company, the San Francisco Carbon collaborative, and EcoAnalytics to help prevent global warming by reducing intestinal methane emissions from cattle.

>Goat manure. It just keeps getting better… there’s $200 million for “Value-Added Producer Grants.” (Huh?) Previous projects include transforming goat manure into “biochar” (AKA charcoal) to mitigate global warming. Said biochar is burned (read this next part s-l-o-w-l-y) “to eliminate the greenhouse gas emissions that would otherwise occur from the natural degradation of goat manure.”

>Christmas Trees. Just in time for the holidays, the House bill would lift the “administrative stay” that was imposed in November 2011 on a new Christmas tree tax. (A ‘Grinchmas’ tax?) This would free the Obama Administration to impose a tax of 15 cents per tree on sellers to support a marketing program for enhancing the image of the Christmas tree industry. (Apparently the whole concept of Christmas is not enough.)

>Solar Power. OK, renewable energy is a catch phrase and a goal and the Senate would provide $100 million and the House $225 million for the “Rural Energy for America” program. Solar power for wheat processing? Hardly. How about the Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center in Patagonia, Arizona, which was awarded $45,263 to install a solar energy system. The center is dedicated to “whole-person enlightenment” under the direction of an ordained rabbi, “acknowledged” yogi, and four-year Native American Sundancer. (Just FYI: The body-cleansing regimen starts at $3,159.)

With a national debt of more than $17 trillion, for all the talk about improving the lot of the middle class, the Senate, House and President Obama could actually accomplish something tangible by stripping the farm bill of such egregious subsidies. And continuing the  farming analogy, that scenario will happen when we the porcine take flight.