It’s Time for the NFL’s All-Name Team

Still recovering from the election hangover? Here’s the ‘hair of the dog’ for ye… the NFL’s All-Name Team. It used to be this was a standard feature in many media outlets but not so much of late. Perhaps steroids and concussions knocked the light heartedness out of pigskin reporting? My guess is political correctness gone amok. Wouldn’t be the first time a bunch of whiny PC-ers held their jingoistic breath until they got their way.

Here are the rules - and make no mistake - they are MY rules. I only use first names and it is done on a team-by-team basis and only with starting line-ups. There is no All-Star All-Name team. They play as a team so they’re judged as a team. Unusual spellings of common names normally don’t qualify but if, IMHO, they’re really odd – they count.

Names that do not go together also help a player qualify. For example, a French, Latino or Italian first name with an obviously non-French, Latino or Italian last name; yep, it gets counted.(Somewhat like requiring subject-verb agreement in a sentence.) Sometimes names are just so unusual or unique that under my system, they actually count on the plus side for a team.  And it doesn’t matter whether they play on offense, defense or special teams.

O.K., first a few anomalies.  The Green Bay Packers were at the bottom of the All-Name list BUT they won the “All-Initial” title: T.J. Lang (LG); B.J. Raji (DT); C.J. Wilson (DE); A.J. Hawk (LB) and D.J. Smith (LB). Then there were the offenses of the Tampa Bay Bucs and the Minnesota Vikings. So normal in their caste (and somewhat boring) they could battle it out using their respective last names as the moniker of a law firm.

So what about the home town kids? The Ray-dahs had 7 All-Namers: Marcel (first name/last name rule), Darrius, Khalif, Lamarr, Rolando(first name/last name rule), Tyvon and Shawntae)while the Niners had 6 (Ahmad, Navarro, Aldon, Donte, Dashon and Tarell).

The team with the fewest qualifiers? A three-way tie between the Seattle Seachickens with three (Marshawn, Golden and Kam, though they got a + point for RT Breno Giacomini. That’s a name right out of “The Godfather”). Then there’s the Arizona Cardinals: Beanie, Andre (first name/last name rule) and Darnell but they got + points for LB O’Brien Schofeld (just screams Guinness Stout, doesn’t it?) and LB Paris Lenon (a city -and- a Beatle). And finally, the Washington Derogatory-to-Native-Americans. There’s DeAngelo, Tanard and Madieu but they got + points for Pierre Garcon [first name/last name agreement] and of all people, their punter Sav Rocca (Sounds like a stand-in for Stallone in the next ‘Rocky’ remake, no?)

The close-but-no-cigar squads? The Jacksonville Snaguars, Houston Oliers, New Orleans ‘Aints and the San Diego ChargeCards all had eight All-Name qualifiers. J’Ville: Maurice and Andre (first name/last name rule), Laurent, Marcedes, Eden, Rashean, Dawan and Rashad; Planet Houston: Arian, Keshawn, Kareem, Danieal, Glover and an Andre, Antoine and Antonio (first name/last name rule); Taints: Devery, Jermon, Jahri, Brodrick, Sedrick, Jabari and a Marques and Pierre(first name/last name rule); and, Chargers: Le’Ron, Jeromey, Takeo, Atari, Tyronne and Antonio x2 and an Antoine (first name/last name rule).

And the big weiners? None other than your Kansas City Chefs: Jamaal, Dontari, Tamba, Jovan, Kendrick, Brannden, Peyton (no, not that one) and Abram, with + points for CB Stanford Routt (poignant considering what the Stanfud Cardinal did to the Oregon Ducklings). But what put them over the top was their head coach – Romeo! Have a pleasant Thanksgiving and remember the All-Name team as you watch a little gridiron action whilst recovery for a turkey n' fixings coma.